Saturday, March 28, 2009

a public apology

One good thing about getting older is learning to listen to that little voice in your head when it talks to you. Don't believe that advertisement. That deal is too good to be true. Your friend is trying to sneak on your girl. Don't ever lie to women; they know. Don't park anywhere in DC, even if you are paying a homeless guy $5 to protect it while you're gone.

I'm usually pretty good at paying attention, bc that little voice has been thru a lot of sht over the years, and he generally knows much better than my real brain.

I didn't listen very well last weekend.

I was all prepped to join a blow-out bartender wedding party, including the genius idea of requesting the hotel bar stay open late for the after-party. Instead, I was ThatGuy.

Way too drunk, way too quick, done too early. The lightweight. Rookie. Nancy. Letting down my friends, missing the after-party, not spending time with the people that deserve it. Dishonoring Kim and Tony's grand alcohol fest of love and wedstuff. I deserve to be disbarred from the Professional Tarbenders Association, and I'll be mailing my Tennessee Squire membership card back to Lynchburg.

Manda suggests I should post my apology here: I'm Sorry, Love. But I need to do it in public.

I had a slew of chances to listen to that little voice, but kept shushing it. Dumbass.

It's allergy season. Benedryl can perform breathing miracles.
"Do not take with alcohol."
Shush. It's just a couple little pills, and it's early. I'll be fine.

"You should grab a sandwich before meeting everyone at the bar before the wedding. That little hotel bar might not serve real food."
Can't. Running late already. I'll be fine.

"See dumbass? The hotel bar isn't even open. Make a run to McD real quick. No more yanky my wanky... the Donger need food!"
No food here. Everything's closed. I'm going to grab the after-party cooler out of the car, so we can crack a few in the rooms. I'll be fine.

"OK, OK. You know what you're doing. Just a beer or two. No liquor."
Just one shot of Svedka Vodka. I've never had it before, and I'd really like a taste. With RedBull, too! I'll be fine.

"You need to grab a snack on the way to the wedding; chips, bread, Funions, sandwich, Snickers, whatever. Put something in mah belly!"
Yep. Good idea. We can stop at that little convenience store on the way, and I'll be fine.

"You just drove past that little convenience store. Tell her to turn around!"
Yah, I know. We're almost there now. We'll check in, say hello, and I'll sneak back for a snack if they don't have munchies out. I'll be fine.

"We're here. No munchies. Let's go down back down the street now."
Shush. I'm chatting. I haven't seen these guys in forever.

"You're stalling. Finish that bottle, and let's go. Hurry up. No, dammit, you do not have time for 'just one more' before the wedding starts."
You're really starting to irritate me, little voice. I told you, I'll be fine.

"Time's up. Wedding / appetizers / reception is starting in a minute, just have a glass of water and chill for a bit."
I'll have another beer please.

"Salad does not count as 'eating something', and beer does not go well with salad. Drink some water before you get drunk."
Oooooh, they have wine at the winery! Imagine!
"But you don't drink wine."
Shush. This is a special occasion, and we're at a winery. I drink wine today! I'll be juuuuuusht fiine.

"You're drunk. Eat a good dinner, drink a couple glasses of water, and chill out for a bit."
I like wine, and wine likes me.

"You're slurring. Quit talking."
Shush. Everyone at the table is vitally interested in all my way too personal information.

"You're sloshing red wine all over yourself. Don't order any more."
Wow, little voice, you finally made a bit of sense! I'll have another glass of white, please.

"Dude. Stop already. There's a whole second party to go to in a bit. Ease off now, and you'll roll right into the next one."
Nope. Point of no return. "Ease off" is not happening now. Game on! Ima go dansh some more.

"Hey, the reception is over. You should call your sister, who's watching the kids. She can play the voice mail for them as a life lesson."
Great idea, Little Voice! You must be drunk, too! I'll call her right now.

"Wake up drunky. It's 1130, we're in the driveway at home, and you can't sleep in the car."
K. Bed is niiiiishe.

So many chances, and I missed every single one of 'em. Little voice knows, and I know to listen, but effed it up for me and everyone that I disappointed that night.

I'm sorry, and I won't let it happen again. From now on, I'm never playing in the rookie league again. It's totally uncool to everyone who had to put up with my retarded ass last weekend.

If anybody knows how to get in touch with the skinny-girl bartender at the winery, she deserves the biggest apology of all. She escorted me up the hill to the main plantation house to use the restroom. It was dark and drizzling, and the house was straight out of an episode of ScoobyDoo. I can still hear the spooky music.

I started doubting her on the front walk, asking if she was taking me into some sort of trouble. She kinda giggled, but I think she kinda played it up a little bit. Pushed the buttons a little bit, and I got a little nervous.

I didn't turn my back on her for a second, b/c I was getting more and more nervous. And she was taking it farther and farther. All I know was that when I was done in the restroom, I was really scared to open the door and come back out to the hallway. I knew she was waiting out there with a big machete to drop into my skull.

I cut the light, and pulled the door the slightest bit. Peeped out with just an eyeball. I can live with one eye, but not with my head opened like a summer melon at a picnic. She saw my eye, and pushed the buttons some more. I told her I was scared of what she was gonna do, and she needed to stay alllll the way down at that end of the hall so I could sneak out the front door.

She wanted to know what I thought she was planning. I dunno.... machetes and haunted houses and all that. For all I know, she's planning to cut me open and eat my liver! And she totally rolled with that. Admitted to my drunkass that she was a connoisseur of fine human innards, and I was def on the menu if I let my guard down for half a second.

Fuuuuck that. I'm outta that nuthouse now. No effing way I'm going to a wedding with my friends and winding up as foie gras. I backed out the door, and got safely back down to the reception hall. My total relief was shattered when nobody believed that cute little bartender was a closet cannibal trying to cut me open for my sweetbreads.

I'm very sorry, skinny little bartender girl.

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Another motorbike game, with a gentler learning curve.

Jen posed the hair metal challenge, and I nailed it 100%! (I've been debating for a week whether I should admit my score or keep it hidden.)

Do you remember they used to have Missile Command in the table-top arcade version at the old Pizza Hut? And in the swimming pool clubhouse?????? I was never in the clubhouse with Jacob, but he was still kind enough to submit the link.

Jacob's second classic link. Donkey Kong! I played for HOURS after school at the old Pizza Shop in the mall. Played cross-handed, of course, left-handed-joysticking was for rookies.

Oooooooh, ColorShift is one heck of an addictive puzzle game. Hurt my brain a bit. If I wasn't trying to be on vacation in a short little while I would have been sucked into this one for quite some time.

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I think she's been successfully paroled from her sentencing to the wrecks, but plenty of us have been here. And we all love to laugh at the others who are suffering thru it now. Jules gives us DateWrecks.

A collection of all the best April Fools sites from around the interwebs. The flipped version of YouTube definitely effed with my head a little bit.

No shit.

I've said many times that bacon makes everything taste better, but I never meant everything....

Lots of talk this week about the Conficker worm (which has been a relative dud). Here's a tip for those of you who run Windoze, have not applied latest security patches, and have not updated your anti-virus definitions this week... a simple chart to test for infection.

Seth discovered that NASA tests everything:

More on NASA, but only for the science geeks out there: A debunking of the "faked moon landing" conspiracy theory.

Dominic found the most telling variation between the Bush and the Obama administrations:

Jenny McCarthy and the anti-vaxxers are effing tards. I wish bad things never happened to kids anywhere, but the alternative is dead kids. Here's her body count to date.

Finally, to close out this week's Waster, I'm putting a feather in my own cap. If your boss gives you any crap about surfing the web on a lazy, rainy, Friday afternoon, tell him to kiss off. Web surfing actually increases productivity!

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

wanna see my banana?

DeNise, this image has haunted my sleep the past few days. Thanks...

So much time, and so little to write about! Wait... strike that, reverse it.

I've had a dreary week - spent a couple days locked in the bowels of a gov site, and had a couple more days of rainy bleh weather. Today the sun is shining, I've had the Bosstones playing all day, and I'm trying to bust outta here asap to get in a couple miles on the bike this afternoon.

I got the bike out of the shed two weeks ago. Got everything tuned up and ready to start riding to work again, but just haven't had the stars line up yet. Between working off-site, and dramatic swings in the weather, my bike hasn't left the basement much at all. I'm seriously entertaining the thought of two triathlons this summer, but if I don't get my lazy ass in gear soon, I won't be able to run down the hall to the beer-fridge without losing my breath.

On the topic of breathing ... today I mark 9 months without a cig! ! !

We're going to a wedding tomorrow with a bunch of old tarbending smoking drinking friends. I'm REALLLLLLY excited about the whole event. We're lucky be friends with both halves of the couple, and couldn't wish anything better for either of 'em. They've got people coming in from all over the country, so there's a chance that it'll turn into a whole wedding weekend.

It'll be a hella good party, too. The last couple bartender weddings have included multiple kegs, boxes of wine, illicit Smirnoffs, trading 1/2 bottle of Chivas for a full bottle of Jack (which we kicked! Shelley!), and drinking the entire Dulles Hyatt out of Bud Light.

I don't get out to play nearly enough since I stopped breaking glassware at The Hole. Every now and then I get a little taste, but it's not enough to catch up with everyone that I want to catch up with. I hear bits n pieces, swap a bit of email, maybe text a little bit, but I really miss that world. *sniff*

I realize how depressing that last paragraph sounds. I'm not whining, honest. I'm happy to be able to take off this afternoon and go play in the sun, then chill with the fam later tonight. I came out on the good end of the trade, and I know it.

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I think they've got the concept of winning this game a little mixed up.

Rock, paper, scissors... the high stakes version.

I know a few people who drive it like they stoled it.

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Kitten huffing!

Pranking google maps.


You know, I've made mistakes, I've had my ups and downs
My ins and outs, my share of bad breaks
But when it's all been said and done
I raise my beer and I swear God it's been fun...

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Monday, March 16, 2009

ODU sucks

(I've seen this highlight about 400 times already, and I'm still giggling.)

With NCAA basketball tourney going on right now, I'm sure most of you don't need any help wasting the afternoon. I'm not wasting much time writing today, either. So here's the quick and dirty of the week in Wasterland...

My struggles with ODU continue. The local campus is closing in May. All the advisors there are busy managing the existing students that are being displaced, so they're not meeting with any new students. I've been trying to extract details with a few less-than-responsive people at other campus locations.

The biggest problem: ODU has a large number of "distance learning" programs, but "distance learning" is a misnomer. Students still need to attend class, on campus, at a specific time. The class is taught by a "distance professor" via streaming video. The intent of the program is to save ODU money, rather than providing a benefit to adult students with tight schedules.

I'm pretty sure that I'm scratching ODU, although I haven't made the final decision just yet.

Kid1 got a job!!!!
He started working at DQ the other day. I'm not sure he'll be able to make enough to pay his tuition by the end of the semester, but it's a move in the right direction.

Kids2,3,& 4 all had interims come home from school.... and they're all kicking serious tail. All 3 have As & Bs in every single class. It's really awkward at home now, b/c I don't have anything to yell about.

Happy good weekend!

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Amanda shares her feelings on the banking industry buyout. (requires registration, just use a fake email address.)

Worst game ever. Simple. Boring. Crappy graphics. Bad music.
I'll feel a little extra rewar knowing that you wasted your worktime for this.

heh-heh... they said "wood".

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I've gotten a LOT of submissions over the past couple of weeks, which I totally appreciate. I do have to weed out some of the flotsam though. Seth found the perfect way for you to self-filter your submissions: top 99 things on the interwebs that you should have already seen 99 times. If your great find is on the list, you're too effing late. Send it to Aunt Millie in NH instead.

Popcorn Sutton is king of the moonshiners, redneck to the core, and funny as shit! And dead, too.

Julie says your tattoos suck!

Find even more tattoo suck here.

Jimmy sent me a pic that his mom snapped when he was still in pre-school...

I got all excited when Laura sent me this dirty link. I thought she was using my definition of the word.

Nothin' says "love" more than wearing it on your t-shirt (in your mug shot). Thanks Mike!

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Sunday, March 8, 2009

its my birthday dammit

Is there a hidden connection in the fact that this comic was published on my birthday? Am I supposed to be getting a message?

(Click the pic to enlarge, full series found on Sinfest.)

I had a great birthday weekend, and a pretty good rest of this week, too. My actual birthday was on Monday the 9th, but I was happy to celebrate it across multiple days. Lots of love and thank yous go out to all my family, friends, and neighbors that put up with me on a regular basis.

The only crappy thing in my week arrived a couple hours ago. Back in January, I graduated from Strayer with my 2yr CIS degree. I applied and was accepted to ODU, where I was planning to continue and get my Bachelor's. Well, ODU just let me know that their local campus is closing in May. No excuse, no apology, just the message that I need to travel 3 hours if I ever need anything face-to-face. Effing lovely.

In other college news... Kid1 is home from school all this week for spring break. I asked him about his school financial situation, and he confirmed my suspicions: he hasn't paid for anything yet this semester.

He did clarify things for me, too. I've been wondering how long they'll let you go to class without paying, before kicking you out. Forever. He can attend class, do the homework, put in all the time and effort, all without paying a dime. Buuuuut... without paying he can't take hs finals and won't earn any credit. Studying without earning credit sucks worse than not being allowed to attend class at all.

As it is, I've been wondering why his struggles were taking so long to teach him the lesson that hard work = good results. I understand it now. He hasn't experienced the pain yet. I stopped paying for school back in December, but so far his life hasn't changed in the least. He's still the grasshopper enjoying the summertime, and isn't going to understand until the end of the semester and the snowstorm rises up and kicks him in the nuts.

I wonder if a nut-kicking snowstorm is listed on the "Rapture Index: The prophetic speedometer of end-time activity". Link

Happy Friday the 13th!

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EXTREME TETRIS!!!!! (exciting 'nuff for ya?)

Cheap, senseless violence AND crappy graphics... this game is perfect after a long week in the office.

A slight change in format... Neverball is not a playable web-game. It is a free download, includes two great games, and has a name that makes me giggle about abstinence jokes.

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Guys - Every week or two I find another article that teaches us what's important to the ladies. I'm noticing that some of you aren't learning very much. Here's a hint: if you think you don't need any advice, then you're the one that needs it the most. Here and here will give you a little insight about how to handle yourself at the bar.

I'm not missing the connection here. I guess when life hands you lemons...

Getcha popcorn ready, part IV.

Em sent this a little while back. Actually, a long while back. Regardless, the advice is timeless.

I think it's cool that the weirdest people send me the weirdest stuff. For example, the weirdest album covers of all time. Thanks Tom! (Wear it like a badge, my brother. You know it's true, and you know it's why I like you.)

MMA Live explains "The collision was caused by a driver of a white Porsche..." The pics and video makes me think that maybe, just maybe, Charles Mask Lewis might share a tiny bit of the responsibility, too. RIP Ferrari, you deserved better.

Mikey says "saber saws and sex toys are probably a bad mix. there should be warning labels."

This is the way March Madness was intended.

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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

survived the teenagers!

I know I complain a lot about working too much. This week has kicked my tail, but I'll let you fill in your impression of me whining here _________________________.

I know I complain a lot about not getting the Friday waster done on Friday. Wait, sorry, that's YOU GUYS. I'll fill in my impression of you here _________________________.

Seriously, though, this has been a hella crazy week. I've been butting heads trying to get one of our servers to play nice all week long, and it just won't behave. I'd almost rather try to deal with a teenager than to mess with this stupid thing any more. (If you're curious, it's a sandbox install of our sourceforge / subversion environment, which we're trying to upgrade next week. I knew you cared.)

Happy note 1 - The birthday party was excellent last Friday. The grown-ups were the kitchen, bar, and waitstaff for the kids, so the kids had a blast telling us what to do. The games filled the evening, and they were all worn out and ready to crash by about 1am.

Happy note 2 - Kid1 is on his way home for spring break. I'm still pretty sure he's in arrears with his school payments, but he's made it all the way to spring break without getting sent home. We'll be hanging out a bit this weekend, and maybe I'll be able to get a bit of inside scoop on his situation.

Happy note 3 - The sun is shining and the weather is great! I think I'm pulling the bike out of the shed tomorrow. I haven't ridden all winter, and I'm def feeling a bit out of shape. I'm sure the first ride of the year will kick my tail, but it'll be a good kick.

Happy note 4 - My birthday is coming up next Monday. My body will officially 25 years older than my brain.

Other of Missy's co-workers is celebrating her birthday this evening. We're meeting up at ATR in RTC for dinner, then heading to the bar for the rest of the evening. Gimme a ring if you want to pretend it's my birthday party too.

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I'm short on games. I *have* received donations from a few people, I'm just slacking on getting them posted. I'm sorry for sucking so bad. I'll get caught up soon, promise.



Magic Pen

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Sucky retail employees.

After reading the police report, I totally understand why Chris Brown deserves a second chance. That bitch should know better than to touch a man's cell phone.

I've always like live music, but could never really define specifically why I like it more than the original. There's also a lot of pop music that just grates my nerves - way beyond "don't like". The ClickTrack may explain it.

This is just too effing amazing. It makes me wonder where the technology will be by the time I get old and start going blind?

A bunch of idiot politicians in Illinois decided that when Pluto is over their state, it IS a planet. Jeenyusses.

Even the best strippers have to start somewhere.

Pole Dance Face Plant

Ummmm, yeah. Twoallbeefpattiesspecialsaucelettucecheesepicklesonionsonasesameseedbun. And this.

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